Lennie Lower Quotes

I've often wondered how people become dentists. Probably some sadistic urge due to ill-treatment in early youth. If they had been put in a Borstal institute when showing the first signs of mental dentality or dental mentality or, anyhow, becoming jaw-minded, they might have been cured. As it is they are permitted to roam at large and have conventions.

Do I know anything about golf! My boy, I was playing golf when St Andrew's links had only one hole, and there was only two of us that played the game-me and St Andrew. I had to give up playing with him after he'd been made a saint, because he started ringing in miracles on me."In those days we used rough, three-cornered or square balls stuffed with haggis or some other non-detonating material ..."

When eating fruit, such as watermelon, the seeds should be removed from the mouth with the hand and placed in the pocket or handbag. At important functions it is best to swallow them, as it saves mucking about.

School examinations are now in the air. As a scholar I was never very keen on examinations. I regarded them as a low trick played on defenceless pupils. Now, of course, when I don't have to sit for any examinations, I can see what a great boon they are, and how much good they do, and how they help you to get on in the world, and all that ...In my time, in the good old days, probably before your time, examinations were terrifically difficult. It will give you some idea of how difficult they were when I tell you that I couldn't pass in any subject. The teacher said it was a school record.

Don't be misled by weighing machines. Weighing machines are the most lying things on earth, and should be treated accordingly. When you see "16 st. 10 lb." on the dial, think of the number you first thought of and stick to it. And don't be disheartened if results do not come immediately. Slim women may look slick, but a fat woman stays. Ask any corset manufacturer.

I should never have spoken to that dentist. He looked at me with eyes like a dead cobra and said, "You have two defective bicuspids."Up till then I had always thought that a bicuspid was a two-handled spitoon or cuspidor, as we say in the States."You should have them attended to," he went on. "I might be able to save the right molar for you, but the one on the left will have to come out, I'm afraid.""You're afraid!" I said. "It's me that's afraid."

Even when I was very young I had a strong suspicion that there was something wrong with our education system. Sitting right at the back of the class, I could never hear anything, and the teacher had a nasty habit of springing questions on me just when I was halfway through a green quince or fixing the handle of my all-day sucker.

I have taken precautions about losing the front door-key. I have it tied around my waist underneath my singlet. It means getting partly undressed each time I want to open the door but it's better than sitting on the door-step all night. Or is it?

I like hotels. I am compiling a brochure on bar-room tactics which may interest you. For instance, always get your shout in first; you never know who else may turn up later. The only exception to this rule is when the other party looks at his watch and says, "Just one quick one. I must get away soon." In that case you let him shout first. After having it, and as he is just going to the door, it is permissable to say, "Sure you won't have another?" Only a dirty dog would say "Yes."When in a team, watch the soda bottles carefully. If they are still half full, it is safe to shout the whiskies. I once had to shout eight whiskies and assorted bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale. I didn't mind the whisky so much, but to be landed with eight bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale galled me. I have never made that mistake since.

Perhaps I'd better explain the game before we go any farther. Chess is played on a black and white board. All the white squares are next to the black squares, and all the black squares are next to the white squares. This is to keep them separate.Then you are given a handful of rooks (not the kind you know) and pawns, and kings, and queens, and bishops, and castles which you spread out on the board indiscriminately. You then go to sleep. The first to wake up moves something on the board, and then it is the other player's turn.

The careful hostess will see that the jam is tastefully displayed. A little crepe paper around the tins will easily fix this.

Nowadays it is hardly necessary to ask permission of a lady to smoke, unless it's opium; but be careful, if you do ask, not to use the phrase, "May I smoke?" You are simply asking for the correct answer, which is, "I don't care if you burn."

After the celebrations we all settled down to a bit of solid mourning. We mourned to such an extent that the police were called in, and you should have seen the empties! The caretaker gets the lot. No wonder he owns a care. I mean a car.

I don't like window-cleaning much. I found that the easiest way to clean windows was to throw buckets of water at them and then polish them with our Pomeranian. The dog used to yelp a bit, but it was really a good idea, as by this simple procedure I polished the windows and cleaned the dog at the same time. A woman would never think of a simple thing like that. They're too set in their ideas.

A gentleman should not talk to a lady with his hands in his pockets-unless she's his wife, in which case it's unavoidable.