Robert A. Glover Quotes

"Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful "jokes"? •​Do you embarrass them in public? •​Are you frequently late? •​Do you "forget" things they've asked you to do? •​Do you criticize them? •​Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave? •​Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them? Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking out of the victim triangle."

define personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.

The unpredictability of not having their needs met in a timely, judicious fashion was not only frightening, it was potentially life-threatening.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put the needs of others ahead of their own. Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore, they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships.

Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men. They work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes it difficult for people to get close. It is actually a person's rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.

Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are attractive. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn’t drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

Later, Elizabeth revealed to me (and several of her friends) how much safer she felt when I had my feelings. She was able to hear that I was upset about the car but that I didn’t think she was bad, and I wasn’t going to abandon her. The fact that I had such intensity about not letting her push me away actually made her feel secure and loved. As a result, she felt safe to stay connected to me and hear my feelings about the car.

A Distorted Self-Image Prevents
Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, Nice Guys developed a distorted view of themselves. With a naive, immature logic they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame. At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough. If a Nice Guy was called on to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he received a double dose of toxic shame. A child believes he should be able to please a critical parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, and meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can’t. As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.

"Breaking Free Activity #39 Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience. A sexual moratorium can have many benefits: •​Helps break dysfunction cycles. •​Eliminates pursuing and distancing. •​Releases resentment. •​Allows the Nice Guy to see that he can live without sex. •​Helps the Nice Guy realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience. •​Helps the Nice Guy see how he settles for bad sex. •​Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy's partner can withhold sex or approval. •​Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses. Whenever the Nice Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, "Why am I feeling sexual?" •​Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and other addictive behaviors. •​Helps the Nice Guy begin to address feelings he has been avoiding with sex. Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time. I suggest three to six months. It can be done. Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience. You don't have to do it perfectly."

In time, they also learn that boundary setting isn’t about getting other people to be different. It’s about getting themselves to be different. If someone is crossing their boundary, it isn’t the other person’s problem; it is theirs.

If he asks himself what he believes is right but doesn't do it, he is also out of integrity. Only by asking himself what he believes is right and then doing it does he become a man of integrity.

"What do I think is right?" or uses the committee method, he will always be out of integrity. If he asks himself what he believes is right but doesn't do it, he is also out of integrity. Only by asking himself what he believes is right and then doing it does he become a man of integrity.