Thou shalt not laugh, thou shalt not romp,
Let's grimly kiss with bated breath;
As quietly and solemnly
As Life when it is kissing Death.

I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.

I am not a joking subject!

As my mother once said: The boys throw stones at the frogs in jest.
But the frogs die in earnest.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

Ah, yes, I wrote the "Purple Cow"—
I'm Sorry, now, I wrote it;
But I can tell you Anyhow
I'll Kill you if you Quote it!

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

Glenn Beck: Frog Killer … Glenn Beck Lies About LGF … Beck portrayed this as if I accused him — literally — of killing a frog.

I’m totally not kidding. … Life is too short. This is all too hard to do to actually be kidding about the whole thing.

Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

Once you've dissected a joke, you're about where you are when you've dissected a frog. It's dead.

Please note: if you think the above is offensive, it is of course a joke and you did not get it. If you do not find it offensive, it is of course not a joke, and you did not get it. This is not a joke. Get it?

Look, I was surprised when they offered me the job and I knew they weren't fooling, but this is not a joke. It will have to be fun for me to want to keep it, but I am not a joke.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.