Garrison Keillor Quotes

How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

... you are never so smart again in a language learned in middle age nor so romantic, brave or kind.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

Free enterprise runs on self interest. This is socialism and it runs on loyalty . . . if people were going to live by comparison shopping, the town would go bust . . . If you live there you have to take it as a whole. That's loyalty.

tragic Powell, the Company Man Who Could Have Been Great, who was offered the mantle by all the polls but deferred to the Boss’s Callow Son and vouched for him,

The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, “Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag’s on fire?

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

What would people think?'
Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart.
'Oh,' said Grandpa.

If you can't trust your can open, then what?

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.