Groucho Marx Quotes

American comedian (1890–1977)

Julius Henry Marx (2 October 1890 – 19 August 1977), known as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian and actor known as a member of the Marx Brothers comedy act and for his solo film and television career.

From: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Birth Name: Julius Henry Marx

Alternative Names: Julius Marx

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I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.

I like pancakes, but I haven't got a closet full of them!

I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.

They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! (Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: "Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!")

[Variant:] "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member".

I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

A likely story — and probably true.

Ela está tão apaixonada por mim que não quer saber de mais nada. É por isso que está apaixonada por mim.