Groucho Marx Quotes

If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.

"Lydia the Tattooed Lady"

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?
Lydia, the Tattooed Lady
She has eyes that folks adore so
And a torso even more so

Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopydia
Oh Lydia the Queen of Tattoo
On her back is the Battle of Waterloo
Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus, too
And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue
You can learn a lot from Lydia

La, La, La
La, La, La

When her robe is unfurled, she will show you the world
If you step up and tell her where
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris
Or Washington crossing the Delaware

La, La, La
La, La, La

Oh Lydia oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?
Oh Lydia the Tattooed Lady
When her muscles start relaxin'
Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson
Lydia oh Lydia, that encyclopydia
Oh Lydia the queen of them all
For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz
With a view of Niagara that nobody has
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz
You can learn a lot from Lydia

La, La, La
La, La, La

Come along and see Buff'lo Bill with his lasso
Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso
Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon
Here's Godiva but with her pajamas on

La, La, La
La, La, La

Here is Grover Whalen unveilin' the Trilon
Over on the West Coast we have Treasure Island
Here's Najinsky a-doin' the rhumba
Here's her social security numba

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia that encyclopydia
Oh Lydia the champ of them all
She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat
And now the old boy's in command of the fleet
For he went and married Lydia

I said Lydia (He said Lydia)
They said said Lydia (We said Lydia)

Groucho Marx, At the Circus (1939) Written by Yip Harburg and Harold Arlen

This is a GALA day for you. Answer: Well, a GAL a day is enough for me!

Any playwright who has been up against the agony of casting plays will tell you that the actor who can play comedy is the fellow to shoot for. The comic intuition gets to the heart of a human situation with a precision and a velocity unattainable in any other way. A great comic actor will do it for you with an inflection of voice as adroit as the flick of the wrist of a virtuoso fencer.” Nevertheless,

Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won’t cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.

In verità io sono uno studente invecchiato che ambisce alla conoscenza e alla solitudine, e conduco vita esemplare e sedentaria in un’atmosfera libresca e claustrale

You know, I would buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

Por el mero hecho de existir la gente se cree con derecho a ser feliz.

Who says Television isn't educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.

A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says 'wasn't that fun?

That's three quote? Add another quote and make it a gallon.

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.