Jarod Kintz Quotes

American absurdist humor author

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Jarod Kintz is an American author of absurdist humor, known for self-published collections of surreal one-liners and random thoughts. His prolific, often meta-titled works include "This Book is Not for Sale," "99 Cents for Some Nonsense," and "This Book Title is Invisible," published largely through Amazon Kindle. Widely quoted online for his deadpan, nonsensical voice, he describes himself as a writer, absurdist, and duck farmer based in the American South.

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"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

The best thing about an air sandwich is between the two slices of bread there exists the possibility of flight. And if those two slices of bread are soggy, then you have just created Duck Heaven.

There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine. Or it would be, if it weren’t an ebook.

I golf like a Jackson Pollock painting. I splatter my shots all over the place — and then I act like I just produced a masterpiece.

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

"Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession."

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob"

A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance.

My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters.

Ignoring a problem is the same as being ignorant of it.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.