Mitch Hedberg Quotes

American stand-up comedian

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Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 – 30 March 2005) was an American stand-up comic known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.

From: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Birth Name: Mitchell Lee Hedberg

Alternative Names: Mitch Lee Hedberg • Mitchell Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sick of following my dream, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going then hook up with 'em later

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

When I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.

I did comedy for a fundraiser, cuz I have a big heart. We were trying to raise money for one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds… that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans, cuz maybe they’re just as good, and we’re wasting time.

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?

If you’re a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have really good posture. You can’t be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump.

When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say: “You’re home!”

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.

I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange in color, in case I want to buy a deer