Top 15 Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,’ just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.