Robert Orben Quotes

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery it's a pen that scratches.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

A young person today has a nanosecond attention span, so whatever you do in a humor has to be short. Younger people do not wait for anything that takes time to develop. We're going totally to one-liners. Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.'

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs, there'd be no place to put it all.