Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

She was a wild girl. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, “Kid, you wanna go hunting?” I said, “Okay, I’m game.” And he shot me.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I asked my wife, “Last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.

I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

The day my wife and I got married — that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.

I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they’re the last ones to know about it.

The killers are wanted in all 50 states.

Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.