Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.

I’m at the age now, when I meet a woman sixty years old, she’s too young for me.

I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I tell ya one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor — it was self-service.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

This is from an Indian comedian named Charlie Hill: “They say Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. My people were living here for hundreds and hundreds of years. We never noticed it? “One day the chief took his son to the top of a mountain. As they looked out over the hills and valleys, he spread his arms wide and said, ‘Son, someday none of this will be yours.

I was an ugly kid. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.