Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half.

There goes the neighborhood.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.