Jarod Kintz Quotes

American absurdist humor author

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Jarod Kintz is an American author of absurdist humor, known for self-published collections of surreal one-liners and random thoughts. His prolific, often meta-titled works include "This Book is Not for Sale," "99 Cents for Some Nonsense," and "This Book Title is Invisible," published largely through Amazon Kindle. Widely quoted online for his deadpan, nonsensical voice, he describes himself as a writer, absurdist, and duck farmer based in the American South.

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From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to the cemetery, drunk.

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.

It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.

When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.

Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles.

We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?

She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?