Jarod Kintz Quotes

American absurdist humor author

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Jarod Kintz is an American author of absurdist humor, known for self-published collections of surreal one-liners and random thoughts. His prolific, often meta-titled works include "This Book is Not for Sale," "99 Cents for Some Nonsense," and "This Book Title is Invisible," published largely through Amazon Kindle. Widely quoted online for his deadpan, nonsensical voice, he describes himself as a writer, absurdist, and duck farmer based in the American South.

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College has given me the confidence I need to fail.

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.

Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance.

When traveling on foot through the Sahara Desert, be sure to pack several gallons of ice cream, and keep them close to your heart, because nothing, not even my love, can make that thing melt.

There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine. Or it would be, if it weren’t an ebook.

I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called — you guessed it — Cock Tease.

Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.

I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.

"I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige. It's not a once-a-year t-shirt, as I wear it every Tuesday."