Jarod Kintz Quotes

American absurdist humor author

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Jarod Kintz is an American author of absurdist humor, known for self-published collections of surreal one-liners and random thoughts. His prolific, often meta-titled works include "This Book is Not for Sale," "99 Cents for Some Nonsense," and "This Book Title is Invisible," published largely through Amazon Kindle. Widely quoted online for his deadpan, nonsensical voice, he describes himself as a writer, absurdist, and duck farmer based in the American South.

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I work in a secret whisper factory. It’s all very hush-hush. Her love for me could be found there, if it could be found at all, but it can’t, because it’s invisible.

A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.

If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.

If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.

I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.

The only reason I don’t know more about love is because there just isn’t more to know. In fact, I’ve reduced love to a mathematical formula: Hdgk(X)=H2k(X,Q)∩Hk,k(X). Actually, that’s not right. That’s the statement piece of the Hodge conjecture, but I’m sure you already knew that.

There’s fool’s gold — pyrite — and then there’s fool’s gold — gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars.

Just because it’s called freelancing, doesn’t mean you work for free. If you charge nothing, people will assign an equal value to your work.

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm.

Writing is hard, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to write. Not unless I’m writing a suicide note.