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I'm about to get my grind on. My coffee grind. Like a true hustler.
She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.
We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.
The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it.
I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.
My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.
Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you see it once, or at the most twice, in a given week.
I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.
Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?
I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.
Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.
Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like — hey, what is that in the sky?
I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them to open up at 10. I’m never late, except in love.
I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.
Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.