W. C. Fields Quotes

Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill? (the bartender replies: Yes) Oh, what a load is off my mind. I thought I LOST it! it

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?

Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Come my flocks, my flower. I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas I'd like to discuss with thee.

Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.

When I tell you to go out and tell one of these palookas that I'm out, go out and tell 'em I'm out. Don't have these buzzards walk in on me. When I don't wanna see 'em I don't...don't look at me that way.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

I was the first comic in world history, so they told me, to pick fights with children.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.