W. C. Fields Quotes

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

It ain't what they call you; it's what you answer to.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If Falstaff had stuck to martinis, he'd be with us today.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

i like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which i also keep handy.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.