W. C. Fields Quotes

Never give a sucker an even break.

[To a waitress]] I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

The world is such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out alive.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again.

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?