W. C. Fields Quotes

No water—I never touch water. Fish make love in it.

The story goes that a polite young lady journalist invited him to lunch at Chasen's in hope of a story. Lunch in his case was a liquid affair, and left him uncommunicative. Noticing the passion with which he shooed away the hovering waiter with the ice water jug, she seized an opening. "Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?" "Delighted, my dear," he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. "Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it."

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

Never give a sucker an even break.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.