W. C. Fields Quotes

Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill? (the bartender replies: Yes) Oh, what a load is off my mind. I thought I LOST it! it

"Fields: " I'm tendin' bar one time down the lower east-side in New York. A tough paloma comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her: 'none of your peccadilloes in here'. There was some hot lunch on the bar comprising succotach, philadelphia cream cheese and asparagus with mayonaisse. She dips her mitt down into this melange - I'm yawning at the time - and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over the bar and knocks her down...You were there the night I knocked Chicago Molly down weren't you?"
Bartender: " You knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down".
Fields: "Oh yeah ,yes. That's right. He knocked her down. But I was the one start kicking her! So I starts kicking her in the midriff. D'you ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?"
Customer: "No, I just can't recall any such incident".
Fields: "Well I almost broke my great toe. Never had such a painful experience".
Customer: "Did she ever come back?"
Bartender:"I'll say she came back. She came back a week later and beat the both of us up".
Fields: "Yeah but she had another woman with her. Elderly lady with grey hair.

"Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.

The world is such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out alive.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Why that's a colossal fib. I'm a very kind person. I've never hurt man, beast or child. Except when I had to. I belong to the Bare-Hand-Wolf-Choker Association.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit