W. C. Fields Quotes

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Nunca bebo agua, me preocupa que pueda convertirse en un hábito.

The story goes that a polite young lady journalist invited him to lunch at Chasen's in hope of a story. Lunch in his case was a liquid affair, and left him uncommunicative. Noticing the passion with which he shooed away the hovering waiter with the ice water jug, she seized an opening. "Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?" "Delighted, my dear," he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. "Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it."

Drowned in a vat of whiskey... Oh Death, where is thy sting?

Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill? (the bartender replies: Yes) Oh, what a load is off my mind. I thought I LOST it! it

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.

Waitress: Don't be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey, I was only trying to guess your weight.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.