W. C. Fields

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Once the city gets into a ba-hoys sa-hystem, he loses the ha-hankerin' for the ca-hountry.

No water—I never touch water. Fish make love in it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Always smile first thing in the morning.
Might as well get it over with.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ...

The world is such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out alive.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

"Fields: " I'm tendin' bar one time down the lower east-side in New York. A tough paloma comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her: 'none of your peccadilloes in here'. There was some hot lunch on the bar comprising succotach, philadelphia cream cheese and asparagus with mayonaisse. She dips her mitt down into this melange - I'm yawning at the time - and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over the bar and knocks her down...You were there the night I knocked Chicago Molly down weren't you?"
Bartender: " You knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down".
Fields: "Oh yeah ,yes. That's right. He knocked her down. But I was the one start kicking her! So I starts kicking her in the midriff. D'you ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?"
Customer: "No, I just can't recall any such incident".
Fields: "Well I almost broke my great toe. Never had such a painful experience".
Customer: "Did she ever come back?"
Bartender:"I'll say she came back. She came back a week later and beat the both of us up".
Fields: "Yeah but she had another woman with her. Elderly lady with grey hair.