W. C. Fields Quotes

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

[To a waitress]] I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

It ain't what they call you; it's what you answer to.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again.