W. C. Fields Quotes

The world is such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out alive.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.