Groucho Marx Quotes

In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table.

“There goes George,” observed an onlooker. “When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad.”

“That’s the way-it-goes,” nodded Elly Kleinman. “Time wounds all heels.

Once I put it down I couldn't pick it back up.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I would not join any club which would have me be a member.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Now that I had become a man (with a leaky fountain pen to prove it), I was ready to take on the world.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

That's bad luck: three on a midget.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.