Jarod Kintz Quotes

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.

Hard at work? I’ll give you a hand — my right hand. It’s a handshake, for networking and encouragement purposes. Keep it up!

Her legs are so long and sexy that I can see them 26.2 miles away. Gatorade.

"Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work.
People always ask me, "Jarod, how come you don't have a Guinness World Record for getting others to do what you aren't capable of doing?"
I tell them I don't worry about awards, because I'm a buy-my-own-trophies kind of guy.
Plus, I'm too busy being the greatest duck farmer in history.
Then I give them the customer service number to call at Guinness, because that's a good question that demands to be answered."

I’d fight for your love like I’m Tyler Durden. I want you to hit on me as hard as you can.

I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be calling myself the greatest — I’ll be proving it through my actions.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work — in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.

I could tell I loved her from the moment I saw her, right after she opened the trunk, untied me, and took off my blindfold.

On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time.

I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.