Jarod Kintz Quotes

American absurdist humor author

Jarod Kintz is an American author of absurdist humor, known for self-published collections of surreal one-liners and random thoughts. His prolific, often meta-titled works include "This Book is Not for Sale," "99 Cents for Some Nonsense," and "This Book Title is Invisible," published largely through Amazon Kindle. Widely quoted online for his deadpan, nonsensical voice, he describes himself as a writer, absurdist, and duck farmer based in the American South.

Showing quotes in randomized order to avoid selection bias. Click Popular for most popular quotes.

Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde, and she had blue eyes. Or maybe that was a different woman. I don’t know. All I know is that she is my soul mate.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more.

"I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, "I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon." Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart."

Love is 3:33 am plus 360 degrees plus 365 days, minus 12:34 pm. I ought to know, because I weighed it myself.

Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?

Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance.

"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.

You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

Despite his last name, I’ll bet Johnny Cash never had an inflated ego, or needed a wheelbarrow full of last name to go shopping.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim as they watch a brick flying towards their face at a high velocity.

Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.