Jarod Kintz Quotes

I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time.

A fly can fly, so man should be called walk. If you want to make love, I’ll bring the wheelchair, if you bring the flyswatter.

Personal branding is sales, because you’re selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life.

I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.

My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters.

Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.

Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.

Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.

A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two — plus one.