Jarod Kintz Quotes

The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache — on a man who runs his mouth all the time.

I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an allowance. But that’ll end soon. By age 30, in just a few months, they said it’d be time for me to earn a living. I guess that means they’ll want me to start mowing the lawn.

I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.

My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence.

On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men.

Love is a thunderstorm, and I am the desert.

One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date.

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks dig it. I mean they would, if they ever looked and caught me in a moment of awesomeness.

We made love like Tuesday at noon, even though it was Thursday at 3:00, and then again at 3:03. (I have the stamina of a water lily).

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

My ticket's been bought, and my luggage is packed. I'm storing both of my bags under my eyes. Or am I just tired from lying awake daydreaming of you?