Woody Allen Quotes

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.